Anger – a tool for creating or destroying.
My heart is singing as I write this, singing with delight, with joy and yes, with pride. Now I know what you’re going to say – pride is an ego emotion. But…. WHY shouldn’t we feel proud when we, or someone we love, achieve something? When they have a breakthrough that is so momentous it can only change our/their lives for the better? What is wrong with owning the fact that you feel proud of someone? Nothing!
Emotions are something we feel every day, continuously, and they can change in an instant. We can go from confident and happy, to upset and hurt, sad or angry in a second and vice versa. We wouldn’t be human without emotions. Your heart is linked directly to your soul; it knows what makes you happy, sad, fearful or angry. We make choices every day that result in feeling emotions. We can choose to continue to be fearful or angry or we can choose to let go and be happy and start walking through our life instead of just looking in.
I’ve been given kind permission to write this with reference to someone I’ve known now for many years. This beautiful soul carries much pain, deep hurt and deeply buried anger. But you wouldn’t know it if you met. She emanates a gorgeous light and has spent her adult life helping others – often to the detriment of herself. She is a giver, a people pleaser and hates to see anyone else suffering. But she is also a perfectionist, an idealist and therefore frequently feels let down, betrayed and hurt by those around her, particularly those she has helped. We have spent many hours discussing why. Talking about boundaries, about balance, about burn out and so far to no avail. You have to recognise things to change them. Why change something that is safe and comfortable? Why go through a process that will result in people seeing you differently, in seeing yourself differently, in recognising and acknowledging emotions that are buried.
Why? Simply because the old ways are no longer working. And now, instead of feeling the joy of helping others she is feeling frustrated, put upon, only needed when things are difficult. Angry. But this anger is out of proportion to the problem. Deeply felt it is coming from the very depths of her bones, welling to the surface in tumultuous waves and she doesn’t know what to do with it.
Anger is often seen as a destructive emotion, and yes, in the hands of someone who doesn’t know what to do with it, of course it can be. Just look at recent events around the globe. But anger can also be constructive. You can use anger to channel your energy into creating things, into starting new projects, new businesses, and new lives. Rather than lashing out at anyone and everyone, stop, take time out and look inside. Why are you angry? Are you hurt? Betrayed? Threatened? Fearful? Lonely? Do you feel misunderstood? Guilty? Has something happened which feels unjust? There is always a reason for anger.
Now look at your reaction? Do you lash out or internalise? Do you hurt others or yourself? The beautiful soul I talked about earlier was hurting herself. Through the anger and the pain she was distancing herself from friends and family, which then justified her emotions, as she felt unsupported and lonely. That no-one was there for her when she needed it, that no-one understood her and so on…
Sometimes recognising what makes you angry can be enough to help, can let you make those breakthroughs to change patterns and habits. Sometimes it goes deeper, and it may be better to talk to someone who can help you. By talking though how you feel you can identify those triggers and can then begin to channel your emotions in a positive rather than negative way – to work with your heart and soul.
My gorgeous friend never acknowledged the anger deep within her, to do that would mean to acknowledge the pain and the betrayals that had led to the feelings of anger. Instead, she continued to blame others, to feel road rage, frustration at rude people, at events that didn’t go as planned, at life paths that didn’t lead in the right direction, at friendships that never lasted. Without ever asking why. By keeping herself busy in a job that was never going to suit her she perfectly avoided having to deal with herself. Until now. And now, its breakthrough time. And all credit to her for doing it, for seeing things differently, for acknowledging the anger which has been an underlying controlling factor in all her relationships, for realising where and when it stemmed from, how it’s been added to and fed over the years and now, having had that breakthrough, for letting it go. For refusing to feed it any longer. The beast that was caged has been released. And it is a beautiful thing to see. Her heart is shining out of her eyes even more; she has a softer, gentler spirit, more content, more in balance. And yes, other things are changing too. She has allowed the energy of the anger to change, to stop being destructive, to stop directing her path and is moving forwards in ways that she couldn’t have dreamt of.
For me, the vision I originally had of her stood behind huge cathedral windows looking out onto a beautiful landscape has changed. She is now no longer an observer in her life, she is in her life. And yes, I couldn’t be prouder.